A Letter

Depression is awkward.  Your struggle is daily.  It’s a morning, or an evening, or an entire day.  Your best friend assures you she’s there whenever you’re hurt, but you know you can’t run to someone every time you’re struggling.  It would be tiring moments of extreme vulnerability, and she has her own life, her own problems.  All of your friends do.  You couldn’t possibly burden them on a consistent basis.  Only when you can’t hold on anymore- That’s the deal you’ve made yourself.

Depression is highly individual.  It’s full of solidarity.  It keeps Netflix on.  It holds your yoga mat in your closet.  It forces your books closed.  Their exciting adventures lay dormant, hoping your fingers will soon find their spine.

It tires you.  It makes you nauseous.  Leaves your eyes heavy, hanging, making people look too long, or away too quickly.

In depression, you can’t know anyone and no one can know you.

Sometimes you glance at a stranger and see them too clearly. For what they are. Our true selves we try to hide.

Depression is not a cry for attention.  I craved invisibility. I plead to remain absent from the world. Only in my darkest moments, when I was no longer sure if I could hang on, did I beg for someone to notice.

Healing from depression is subtle.  Some days you’re welcomed by sun, others you’re back in the overgrowth.  You wade through mud, trying to not slip and slither back in the hole.  You don’t magically heal. You’re not just okay one day, and from there on it’s ducklings and sundaes.

My depression hasn’t left.  I don’t believe it does.  Depression is in you, always on the verge, waiting for a trigger.  But it doesn’t have to destroy you.  You may feel it in the moment.  You may feel it’s impossible to look up.  But in those fleeting spaces where you see some color, you can stumble in.  There, you may find a passion.  A friend.  A strength you didn’t know you had.  You may find acceptance for all aspects of you.

I was ashamed of my depression.  I was ashamed of myself.  I couldn’t separate myself from my depression. I now understand depression is only one part of me, and I am no longer ashamed.

You find your moment of color in the black, and the grey, and the almost plum days. You find it, you lean into it, and you’ll discover what you need to counter the depression and make life worth the edge.

I’m here for you.

Love,

The Little Fit Sis

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