Lately I’ve been wondering if my honesty is giving me a bad reputation among my peers and professors. I had a moment where I considered calling it quits. Playing the smile game again. Skimping workouts for that last minute edit of a paper that won’t matter in few months. Literally almost killing myself over the expectations school. Last week I was bedridden and only missed one day of class. I could barely walk, but I still managed to find my seat in the classroom. When I really concentrated I took decent notes, my writing small but legible. Last Friday I sat in class and thought, is this really what life is about? Dying over participation points?
I’ve been wondering if you can discern apathy from depression. Are they separate entities, or does depression foster apathy? Or does apathy foster depression? I’ve been wondering if my lack of care for my university is rooted in apathy, depression, or just the fact that this school sucks. I’ve also been wondering how much people criticize me when I say I hate my school. Because, I do. I hate my school. I hate most of the classes I’ve sat in, I’m not a fan of the campus, and I haven’t met many people I could see myself holding long conversations with, or at least laughing with over a bottle of red wine.
I hope my school can reform. I hope professors can get it together by teaching material and giving assignments relevant to their students lives. I hope students can start taking their lives more seriously, and take social media, their gadgets, and their mingling a little less seriously.
I hope they can take the humanity of those they’re surrounded by more seriously. I’m tired of the drama, and the cheating, and watching people’s lives unfold because they’re too scared to take control. I’m tired of watching people being influenced by the masses, and the media, and being okay with their lives how they are. Because, “it is what it is”, right? Wrong. It is not “what it is”. You have choices in your life. You can either change the way you’re doing things, and possibly make something happen for yourself, or you can keep doing what you’ve always been doing, and stay exactly where you are. Change is scary as hell, but taking a little step here and there is enormously rewarding.
I wish I had thought this way when I was first struggling with my depression. If I had, I wouldn’t have cared so much about what others think. I wouldn’t have been so influenced to continue my degree at this school. I might have taken a year or two off to experience the real world. I might have let myself go to the doctor over my knee pain, and actually let myself be a runner. I may have started writing short stories, or poems, or a collection of personal essays. If I had been more honest, I would not be in the place I’m in now.
I am honest. I’ve always been honest. I’ve been yelled at for being too honest, and eventually shut up. In high school my guidance counselor told me to hide my grief and just go about the day as if nothing had happened. Because I am a machine? Someone can hide their emotions for so long before they snap. I was so dishonest with myself for so many years that I was suicidal for the entirety of my college career.
I don’t know how much of my apathy is built into my depression. What I do know is this: Putting myself before my education is saving me. Letting myself feel disappointment over my college experience is saving me. Admitting to myself that I deserve better is saving me. Being honest is saving me.
It isn’t about what people think of you. It’s about looking ahead to your death bed and wondering if you lived it well. It’s not about YOLO, but about finding values. It’s about being proud of them, but able to discern when something has gone astray. It’s about shifting yourself to fit the time that passes. It’s about staring at the ceiling before you fall asleep and being able to think to yourself, “Today I did the best that I can”.
Honesty helps you uncover where you’ve been, where you are, where you want to be, and ultimately who you are. Don’t hang your head in shame because you feel different from the person standing next to you. Be honest with yourself, and hope they’re doing the same for themselves.
With all sincerity,
-The Little Fit Sis-