A List of Things I Can’t Handle

We all have moments.  Sometimes we’re caught off guard and the things we say sound naive, or are phrased wrong. Even the most well-intentioned people can say things that sound absolutely absurd, if not down right offensive.  However, in the past month alone I’ve experienced more of it than I’d like to, and if you’re like me, sometimes you want to burst with frustration.  It comes from a lack of education, or experience, or empathy.  You know they mean well, but it keeps happening So today I was walking mindlessly around my house, listening to music, dancing a little while playing with my pup, and I started thinking about these things people have been saying that I…I’m cringing.

Here’s a list of things people say that I just can’t handle:

But you’re not suicidal, right?

Let me just sit here and stare at the wall for a minute.  I’ll get back to you when I don’t have a suicidal thought passing through my mind.

Yes, I am suicidal.  While I have had long periods of time where I do not have the thoughts or impulses, it goes from month to month, day to day, week to week.  I went six months without feeling a single impulse, or thinking a thought, and it was wonderful.  But it doesn’t just go away.  It doesn’t stay away.  It comes, it goes, and that struggle in the “gray” area of suicidal tendencies is very real.

If you’d like to read more, click here.  This woman does a beautiful job explaining what it’s like in the gray area of being suicidal.

That tone of sympathy in their voice.  

You know what I’m talking about.  Understand, I’m not looking for sympathy.  I’m looking for someone to listen.  I’m looking for someone to try to understand.  Being able to talk about it takes enormous weight off my shoulders.

At the same time, don’t expect it.  Don’t expect that I’m just going to open all of my wounds, and spill it out, and we’re going to have these deep moments of sharing and trying to understand each other’s lives.  When it comes out, it will come out.  And when it does, I either just need you to listen, or to take me to my bed, tuck me in, and let me cry it out with you by my side.

Wait what?!?  You get panic attacks, too?!?  

Yes, I get panic attacks, and thank you so much for not turning it into a big deal.  I get them frequently, and they’re kind of the polar opposite of a good time.

Have you tried medication?

No, I haven’t.  I realize it helps many people, but it isn’t something I’m interested in trying at the moment.

But why not?? It seems crazy you wouldn’t at least try.

While medication helps many people, I’m very sensitive.  Medication affects my body in ways it might not affect you.  I have nothing against it, but I know my body best and personally don’t want to get involved.

You mean you’ve been hardcore struggling the past few days and you never told me?

I can’t tell you every time I’m struggling.  That would be insane.  You’d hate me very quickly.  It’s a constant battle, it doesn’t just go away.  I apologize if it seems like too much to put on other people some days.

You’re being pretty quiet today.

Facepalm.

Everyone has issues.  It’s nothing to get so upset about.

I have the right to kick you out of my house anytime I like.  If you want to stick around, I recommend you stop talking.

You can talk to me.  I’m here.

*Starts talking about problems*

*Person’s eyes widen with panic*

Me- Never mind.  I’m fine.

Don’t you think that’s a self destructive tendency?

Perhaps it is, but let’s make a list of mine, and a list of yours, and they’ll probably equal out pretty quickly.

Well, that’s a negative outlook on life.  Maybe you should stop thinking like that.

Maybe I should stop paying my bills, and going to school, and getting my period, too.  It’s not that easy, guys.

But you were such a happy little girl!!

And…And now I’m 22…I’ve experienced things…I’ve seen things…

I’m not a little girl anymore.  Things have drastically changed since childhood.

Why don’t you write anymore?

Refer to quote: “Every line is about who I don’t want to write about anymore” – Brand New, Okay I believe you, but my Tommy gun don’t

Aren’t you afraid this blog is going to give future potential employers the wrong message?

Must I go through the point of this blog again?  I’m tired of having to hide my mental illness to make everyone else happy.  By hiding it, I’m hurting myself.  By talking (or writing) about it, I can get help when I’m in need of it.  I can relate to others.  I have the potential to give others hope, and get some in return.

Who is Mixtapes?

The best band that has ever existed on earth.  Their songs are basically me.  Even this post’s title is the name of a Mixtapes song.

Well, I’ve never heard of them.

Noooo.  I wouldn’t have guessed.

I apologize if this post is blunt.  It’s just the truth.  Love you guys, keep talking to each other, and forming healthy bonds.  Be beautiful you. 🙂

Shannon

 

 

 

 

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