I am that person always wanting everyone else to be happy, but never thinking about the consequences. I am in a constant state of worry over what others are thinking or feeling. Did I upset them? Is this going to change our relationship? Will I be disowned? Is he/she okay? What if they are depressed, or need someone to talk to? What if they think poorly of me because I say no? If they say no, does it mean they do not like me?
Questions and thoughts are roving through my head, day and night, keeping me on my toes, my blood pressure up, my stress level at the extreme.
If I had given more worry to myself, I would be halfway across the world, living in an apartment or home somewhere exquisite. I would have left right after graduation, and not given a single thought to my life in Buffalo. I would find money along the way, making it possible for me to live the life I have always dreamed of.
If I worried more about myself, I would not be in state of worry around the clock. I would love myself. My problems that stem from unworthiness would not exist. I would know that I am worth my experiences, and my need to fulfill my dreams. I would have the confidence and self-esteem to do so.
I am aware of this now, but awareness is only the first step. Actions need to be taken, thoughts need to be managed. It is extremely difficult to transition from years of negative thinking to a positive state of mind.
Nonetheless, it must be done. I deserve to be happy, love myself, and let go of my lack of self worth.
You do too.